Week Four

OK, so maybe Ben's team wasn't quite as bad as first indicated. Admittedly having John 'not going to concede a goal till 2009' Terry in the team has proved to be a success, though I'm beginning to think that having Chelsea defenders is a form of cheating. Man Utd haven't let in any goals either, and even Spurs have three clean sheets out of four, so there's been plenty of reward for managers who opted to spend big at the back.

Apart from his defenders, Drogba and Danny Murphy have started off quickly for Ben, with even Kevin Phillips already having 7 points. This gives Ben a 13 point lead over Jon's Monkeys, who have managed to get all four of their strikers to hit the back of the net, even Mark Viduka (who has 3 chillies, oddly). With Ronaldo and SWP getting more starts now things could go very well for them over the coming weeks.

Last year's champions are ten further points back in third thanks to full-back power - Edman and Queudrue making healthy starts - and Shrek trying to get the points that £16m deserve.

Propping up that table are the Claridge 'five strikers and not a point between them' Cocks. Even previous points powerhouses Scholes and Malbranque have yet to get off the mark, which means Tim is in close proximity with Loz, who will surely climb up the table if Essien proves to be any good (and thus keep my Gudjohnsen out of the Chelsea team).

By the way, Ben is currently 124th overall in the country. And the Chart of Truth is back up.

Week One

And the Premiership kicks off with, well, quite a boring start really. Arsenal, Man Utd, Liverpool and Chelsea all kept clean sheets so there was a nice wodge of points for most people. Biggest wodge of all went to Ben, who surges into a twelve point lead. Four clean sheets plus goals (and assists) from Matthew Etherington and Kevin Phillips means that Not Much Kop, who I sang the praises of last week (Note to self - remember to edit post which said Ben's team was rubbish) sit atop the table at the end of week 1, exactly as they did last year. And we all remember how well that turned out.

Defoe and Crespo helped the Monkey Spankers to an early second place, with Wayne Rooney and Rapey van Persie sliding the chilli-tastic Mark B to third.

Meanwhile, at the bottom, no goals, no assists, no hope Lozza props up the table, with Tim edging him out on assist difference thanks to £2.5m-per-point Ljungberg. Also, my strategic decision to have two Aston Villa defenders bears early fruit as they concede two goals at home to Bolton within 8 minutes of the kick-off.

Hopefully there'll be lots more goals in future weeks as clean sheets are a bit, well, dull. Meanwhile, may I draw your attention to the fact that QPR are currently in an automatic promotion spot. Though the likelihood of us still being there at the end is as remote as Not Much Kop winning the fantasy league.

The Analysis

Tim - Despite paying loads for Ljungberg, Tim has an annoyingly strong midfield and attack - mostly consistent proven points-getters. Him only having one good defender may not be a problem.

Tall Mark - Has the all-time fantasy god in Thierry Henry and the new one in Petr Cech (plus another Chelsea defender guaranteed to play) but fuck all else. There could be 250-300 points in those three so he may only need bits and bobs from the others. Hard to see how Bobby Zamora and Lua Lua are going to help a team to glory though.

Ben - Lots of 'maybe' players (Morientes, Drogba, Bergkamp) who will get some, but not loads of points. Difficult to see where his surge to glory is going to come from. In fact, had Ben not saved my skin when he put me up after I missed my train home after the auction, I'd be tempted to say his team was shit.

Mark B - One decent striker, two midfielders and two defenders (provided Wenger doesn't tire of Lauren). Could Mark be the MarketingNot Blackburn?

Lozza - Lots and lots of desperately uninspiring strikers and a bitty defence take the edge off a really quite good (if thin) midfield.

Jon - If the likes of Lehmann and Hyypia can avoid getting dropped, Jon has a good squad. Should be lots of points from his midfield and, shit though he is, Heskey should provide good back-up to Defoe, though Crespo's fortunes are at the mercy of The Special One's selection policy.

Dave - My eyes scanned down the squad, waiting to fall upon a good player. Before I knew it I was staring at my keyboard :-) A monumentally bad team. Hleb will have to be the new Frank Lampard (with the old Frank Lampard doing this as well) for him to have any chance. Eight midfielders? I sense Dave's going to be quite busy at 5pm on a Friday for the next few weeks...

Brian - OK, so Brian got stung with Alan Stubbs and Robben has picked up an injury but he's got some solid defenders, strikers who can score points and Emre looked quite tasty for Newcastle last night - could be alright.

Adam - Double-bubble Chelsea defenders (plus an ARS and a MU) means it's tight at the back for the Geckos (ironic seeing as one of those defender's names looks like Homo). A few good midfielders will take some pressure off his lightweight strike force.

And finally, Me - Having two Aston Villa defenders is a decision best described as 'brave', though if I were to select one of my players to be out for 3 months at the start of the season, I'd take Richard Dunne, rather than the Robben I had last year. I hope Hleb turns out to be shit, so Pires keeps his place, but I'm quite happy with my midfield and attack - particularly Van Nistlerooy, who will turn out to be the bargain of the season.

Predictions: 1st - Tim, 2nd - Me, 3rd - Adam/Jon. Last - Dave

The Auction

Ten titans of fantasy league power gathered together in the luxury of the Jug and Jester's beer yard garden to do battle and carve up the cream of the Premiership between them. A full complement of managers meant there was no need for the auction to be sullied by having girls bid for players - any female presence was purely decorative.

The early pace was furious, with managers spunking money like there was no tomorrow. Seemingly especially eager to get back to his cement was Tall Mark, who presumably thought that two players would be plenty enough for the long, gruelling season ahead. Once most managers realised they'd have to buy 11 players with 9 million quid, things calmed down a bit, allowing me to get Ruud van Nistlerooy for the absolute-bargain-of-the-year-until-Man-Utd-buy Michael-Owen-tomorrow price of £9.5m.

Other moments of note were Tim's over-enthusiastic bid of £10m for Freddie 'pants model' Lyungbirg Liyoonburg Ljungberg and Dave getting lumbered with Everton refusenik Tim Cahill for £6m after a plan to stitch up Lozza went very wrong indeed after Loz showed little interest in buying the Australian (given that he turned down a new contract and may be out the door).

At the time of writing, Tall Mark still needs to trawl through the free agents for a few more players, so I shall defer criticising analysing everyone's team until later in the week.

Comments etc are encouraged.